Floodlighting: Why the new dating trend to build quick intimacy can backfire

Swiping right on dating apps may come naturally to Gen Z (also millennials to an extent). However, establishing a genuine connection with a prospect continues to be a utopian dream. 

In the pursuit of finding the ‘right one', a growing crop of people are trying to test the waters before they become too close to someone. How? By oversharing intimate details on the first date. 

This trend, known as floodlighting, attempts to build intimacy quickly while evaluating someone’s capacity to handle traumas. 

For Pranay Sinha*, getting a match on a dating app is a rare occurrence. Recently, he connected with someone who seemed quite similar to him. Without a thought, he agreed to meet her for coffee. Little did he know, he would have all the information about her—from why she walked out of previous relationships to her parents' constant fights. 

“I wasn't ready for something like this. While it initially felt nice that someone wanted to share the vulnerable parts of themselves, it soon got to a point that I was uncomfortable. I haven't met that woman after that day,” says the 26-year-old sales professional from Mumbai. 

The intent is often to accelerate connection and assess if someone would be accepting of all our vulnerable parts, says Preeta Ganguli, an independent counselling psychologist and wellness consultant. “In the current dating scenario where people are increasingly conscious about emotional maturity, availability, and their vulnerabilities and needs, floodlighting seems to have become a go-to way to almost test a potential partner.”

Unlike past generations, who may have taken a more guarded approach to dating, Gen Z values emotional transparency and authenticity. 

“Dating apps, therapy culture, and social media have normalised deep emotional discussion, which is great. But it also means that some people take vulnerability and authenticity to an extreme, turning a first date into a confession session,” points out relationship counsellor, Ruchi Ruuh. 

While it may be a protective mechanism created to protect people from potential heartbreak and disappointment—is it healthy? 

A dangerous trend?

Gen Z is more vocal about mental health, attachment styles, and trauma, which pops up organically in conversations. Several individuals want to know immediately if a person can handle their baggage instead of waiting a while to find out. 

“This upfront laying out of things prevents future rejections and heartbreaks. A lot of people want to accelerate intimacy by having deep, intimate conversations soon to establish a connection that feels deeper than it usually is,” says Ruuh. 

While floodlighting may seem to lead to a close relationship very soon, it can have some detrimental effects, and ironically, create more distance in relationships.

“Trust and intimacy are built over time, in layers. By sharing something big too soon, the closeness may increase but it may not be the full picture,” says Ganguli. “It can also lead to disappointment and even an ending before being given a full chance.”

For instance, if a prospect is caught off guard or doesn't know their date well enough, they may not know how to respond immediately in that scenario. 

“This may make the sharer feel unaccepted or unheard, and they may want to end things in the absence of being supported,” mentions Ganguli. “However, this doesn't necessarily mean they aren't accepting or supportive. It is possible there's a greater level of closeness with time.”

Whether it's toxic depends on the intensity and intent of the person floodlighting. It is healthy, Ruuh says, if it's balanced, and both people feel comfortable with this behaviour. “Vulnerability is essential in relationships, and it’s fine to share some personal insights to see if your values align,” she explains. 

However, it can be toxic if it becomes emotional dumping or putting pressure on the other person to play therapist or prove their worth by accepting everything upfront. 

Moreover, for the sharer, floodlighting is in a way crossing their own boundaries, opening up personal details about themselves to several people with less intentional choice. 

“While vulnerability is important, not everyone should have access to all our deep personal lives. That needs to be built and earned, one step at a time,” Ganguli advises. 

Navigating the situation 

Instead of spilling everything about their past, Ruuh advises people to be curious about their date and ask them open-ended questions like—“How do you handle stress?”. Their answers can reveal their emotional depth without forcing them to open up more than they want to.

It's also important to give insights into your personality and values without trauma dumping. “Instead of saying—‘I have major trust issues because of my toxic ex,’—try saying, “I’ve learned that trust is really important to me in relationships,” says Ruuh. 

Timing is crucial when it comes to vulnerability. Ganguli suggests starting with lighter and smaller pieces of information. “Connect on things that may not be as intense. Notice how you are feeling with this person,” she adds. 

True vulnerability and connection can't be fast-tracked, and even floodlighting can't guarantee not being hurt. “Let the relationship build naturally. Emotional safety isn’t created in one night. Allow time for both of you to gradually reveal more about yourselves,” advises Ruuh. 

*Names are changed to protect identity.